Part 1 – Trust
It’s cliche. And it’s true.
With age comes wisdom.
And with healing comes insight and I do think there is a difference.
Wisdom can be gained in lots of ways – learning, experiences, conversation – but insight comes from taking that wisdom and turning the lens back on yourself.
I turned 42 this year. That’s a decent amount of life under one’s belt and in the last two years I’ve taken myself on a healing journey that is leaving no shadowy stone unturned.
We are digging in basements, taking the metal detector to the backyard and pulling up floorboards in a quest for the kind of healing that changes not only my life, but the lives of my family.
My healing, regulation and growth means a very different, and much emotionally safer, life for my kids than the one I had. This is also my greatest goal as a mother.
And add to my mix the fact that I am an entrepreneur. I started this small business four years ago as a way to find myself a bit, make some extra money and have something that felt like my own.
In these 4 years, this little endeavor has evolved, changed and challenged me.
I’ve learned so much about what it takes to not just run a business but do it in the context of a busy, mom-centric life.
This blog series is going to be my insight, a bit of wisdom and the lessons I’ve learned in the process of healing.
Thank you for being here.
“I don’t think you trust yourself…”
I wrote that down during a therapy session because as soon as my therapist said it, I knew it was true.
I don’t trust myself. Haven’t for a long time. Maybe I never did.
We had been talking about changes I wanted to make to my business and why I was having such a hard time doing what needed to be done.
In the course of working together, I had talked about feeling “wrong” as a child and teenager. Like I wasn’t doing things the way people wanted or expected. Like I didn’t quite fit a mold that had been created for me.
(another cliche incoming…)
As the oldest daughter in a chaotic family situation, I had learned early on to arrange myself in whatever way made it easiest for those around me.
I worried about my mom so I made myself “perfect” so she didn’t have to worry about me.
I worried about what people thought so I learned to take the temperature of any social situation and morph into whatever version of me worked best.
I worried that my brain, my thoughts, my feelings were too different from those around me and, when that was reinforced one way or another, I learned to not trust who I was.
Because I had internalized a lesson that who I was wouldn’t always fit. I wouldn’t always be acceptable. It would be better to be whoever they wanted me to be.
So now here I was, 30 something years later, trying to build my business on my own brain power. But my brain was a distrustful asshole.
This realization, her one simple declaration, was liking turning on the big light in a very dark room.
I could see it all clearly.
I didn’t trust myself and until I did, none of this was going to work.
Without Trust, It Will Be Harder
Trust: an assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something. (thank you, Merriam-Webster)
What does it take to build a successful business?
Um, so fucking much?
And why should trust play a part in building that business?
Lemme show you…
When you Google “trust” one of the first blog posts that comes up is “6 Tips To Building Trust In Yourself” from healthline.com. Great, we’ll use this as a baseline.
(TL/DR)
The 6 tips are:
1. Be yourself
2. Set reasonable goals
3. Be kind to yourself
4. Build on your strengths
5. Spend time with yourself
6. Be decisive
Now go back and read those again but in the context of “how to build a successful business”.
Amiright?
Starting and growing your own business is literally just trusting yourself. So when trusting yourself is one of your core challenges, it can make that business you’re dreaming off feel like just another step on the “I can’t do this” trail.
I love this business. I love that I started it, I love that I have worked through pivots, learned incredibly valuable skills and honestly, never gave up.
My therapist pointed this out to me as I lamented my overall lack of self trust and asked me “So you don’t trust yourself but you still try, why do you think that is?”
It took me a minute – well actually 2 more sessions – to realize that the reason I don’t give up is that while I don’t trust myself, I believe in myself.
I’ve weathered hard shit in my life. I’ve lost both of my parents – my dad when I was 19 and my mom just 2 years ago. I’ve dealt with deep self-loathing, career failure, postpartum depression (twice) and then regular old depression and anxiety.
I know what hard is and I’ve been to it and through it many times. So I do know I am capable. I do know I can do hard things.
And that knowledge is all I needed to believe that I could get through whatever going into business for myself would bring me.
But what I’ve realized is, without trusting myself, I’ve just made it harder.
The Work of Trust
So I’ve gotten to the root of my issue, but how do I kill the root rot?
Not to be a total bummer, but I’m still figuring that out.
I do, however, know that in order to learn how to trust yourself again you have to take a few necessary steps.
1. Be ready to be really honest with yourself.
Learning to trust yourself starts with being real damn honest about the reasons why you don’t.
Looking at these parts can be ugly, scary and truly uncomfortable but in order to do that work, you have to know what you’re up against.
2. Know that you will need to start forgiving yourself, too.
Learning to trust yourself means forgiving yourself first. Period.
When we carry around the hurts, mistakes and self-inflicted wounds of the past, it is almost impossible to move into trust. All those stories, if not forgiven, will continue their loops and continue to “prove” to you that you cannot trust yourself.
Start with radical self forgiveness.
3. It’s a lot easier with help.
Babe, listen. This is hard work; work that will sometimes take you out at the knees. And that kind of work is best navigated with support.
It’s easier than it’s ever been to find mental health support – I originally found my wonderful therapist through an online platform.
This online therapy directory is a great place to start but also, ask around. You probably have a friend, family member, coworker (that you trust) who knows a great therapist.
Another thing to remember when it comes to therapy – it’s ok if it takes a few tries to find a therapist who is a good fit for you. They should feel like a safe space and provide the framework to help you navigate your healing.
Trust. It is my word for this year, my 42nd and in a lot of ways, my healthiest and most regulated.
Learning to trust yourself starts with recognizing that you don’t and then taking each step up the mountain.
Because I’m learning to trust myself I’m finding new clarity into the business I want to build, new insight into my motivations and what holds me back, new wisdom around what it is to heal.
If you are on a path of healing, no matter what the goal, know that the work, sweat and tears you’re putting in are worth it. For yourself and for the people who feel your impact every day.
Love you more.
