My first born. My oldest child. The one who made me a mom. The one who blazed my parenting trail. My trial and error child, this is for you…
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You don’t know just how excited we were for you. I knew things about you long before you arrived earthside on that hot day in July. I knew you were a girl; the ultrasound tech asked us if we wanted to know and my response was, “I know it’s a girl, but you can confirm”.
Even during my pregnancy I knew you were going to be doing things your own way. I knew you already had a determined little mind and that we would all just be along for the ride. You’ve been making your presence clearly known since you were able to lodge your butt in my ribcage.
Like every first time mom, I thought I had it pretty well figured out. I read books, organized like a mad woman, I consulted dozens of parenting resources and then you showed up. From the very start, I realized that maybe there was going to be a bit more learning as we go.
You arrived by emergency c-section on the morning of July 10 after 16 hours of labor, a heart rate scare and a few panic attacks from me. Like I said, you do things your own way. They laid you on my chest and I was immediately overwhelmed with how much I adored you but also that you were a real actual person who I was now 100% in charge of and there’s a no refund policy on babies.
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Nothing about your birth or our first few weeks together went as planned. I, for sure, hadn’t wrapped my brain around a c-section so the reality of it and the recovery was rough. It was all new and unexpected and scary and all the while, there you were, looking at me for every single thing. Man oh man, what a learning curve.
So we learned as we went.
Your charm, assertivness and ability to push your own very specific agenda was apparent early on. This huge personality in a tiny blonde package; it was a total mind*uck and I spent almost every day in those early years in awe and a bit terrified.
So we learned as we went.
According to “the books”, you should have crawled and you should have spoken this many words by this age, and you didn’t. According to the websites, you should be sleeping this much and eating that much, and you didn’t. And I was a worried mess about all of it. You did weeks of PT for the walking and I mashed, blended and pureed like 6,000 different food combos to get you to eat the prescribed variety of foods. And you just didn’t.
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But guess what? You walked when you were good and ready, usually with someones immediate assistance, because you just preferred it that way. And you talked when you were good and ready and now, frankly, I’d appreciate a few less words in a day. You did it all your own way and the way I parented you was all ebb and flow and I learned the true meaning of being flexible.
Now here we are 4.5 years in and all your firsts are still my firsts. Every new stage for you is a new learning experience for me and I will be the first to admit, I sometimes have no idea what I’m doing. You are my greatest mystery and I am in a constant state of creative problem solving. Each day brings a new opportunity for you and I; you to stretch your 4 year old mind muscles and me to attempt to keep up.
From the beginning you have been your very own person and this has been one of the things I am totally in love with about you. But truth be told my love, it makes for one heck of a parenting challenge. So here’s my promise; each year will be new for both of us. Each milestone will be new for both of us. Each up and down and victory and defeat will be new and sometimes scary and sometimes frustrating but we will always do it together.
Life is sometimes trial and error. You plan for the best but prepare for possible chaos and when it doesn’t work out, you regroup and try again. But you don’t quit.
Somedays I still feel like that brand new mom trying my hardest to figure out this brand new human. And I know these days are probably hard for you too and we got this, kiddo. You and me, Mom and Mackenzie, from beginning to forever.
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| The challenge is always worth the reward…in life and in mom-ing |
