And I Am Not Sad
Damn. That was a long summer.
Today we got up and at ’em and got my oldest to her first day of 1st grade! This is a big one. The first “number grade”. The first year walking in without a parent. The first year having her own desk. The first year I wasn’t sad waving good bye on the first day of school.
I’ve recently started to realize that I may not fit the mom mold I thought I did. I adore my role as a mom; my kids are the shit, frankly, and while they run me to the end of my rope on the regular, I love being their mom.
HOWEVER…
I did not like this summer. I did not like the amount of attitude and arguments I endured with the 6 year old. I did not like the sudden push back from the usually easy going 3 year old.
I did not like the amount of sibling cage match refereeing I did. I did not like the constant “So what are we going to do now?” questions. I did not like the expectation that I be their Cruise Director and I don’t even like boats.
In hindsight, it was partly my own fault. I didn’t get them involved in enough. I grossly overestimated their ability to have chill days at home. But also? they are 6 and 3 and sometimes shitstorms just come with the territory.
So as we close this summer of mom/kid life I want to reiterate: I AM NOT SAD. I DO NOT WANT JUST ONE MORE WEEK. I DO NOT WISH THEM HOME. I AM EXCITED FOR WHAT THIS SCHOOL YEAR HOLDS FOR ALL OF US.
I guess this might fall under the “Unpopular Opinion” category in the Mom Manual. I talked about it in therapy this past week; it’s hard to be the mom who DOESN’T feel the way the majority does. It can feel lonely and like there’s something wrong with you. I’ve had some serious guilt around that (something I’m working hard on) but am learning that it’s OK to not feel the same as most.
It’s ok to be tired and overwhelmed and in desperate need of handing those darlings off to another wonderfully qualified human for a few hours a day. Whether we stay at home or work outside the home, raising small humans to be decent people is work not for the faint of heart. It is grueling and ugly and sometimes it just feels impossible. And frankly, if it does feel all of those things, you’re probably doing a stellar job at it 🙂
But to be clear!
It’s also ok if you really do miss them and are sad! We’re all mom-ing, it’s not a competition! We are each our own person and with that comes the ability to feel however we want about whatever we want!! Be sad, mama. I’ll give you a squeeze and check in. It ain’t easy no matter what.
But today, I am not sad. I am excited for their new journeys. I am excited for what is to come this school year and what challenges, failures and major successes we will all have.
I am excited to having time during the day to pursue the other parts of my life that help to define me because yes I am a mom, but my identity doesn’t stop there. I will be able to write more, teach more, reconnect with friends more, workout more, volunteer more. SIT IN THE QUIET MORE. FIND ME MORE.
Today I am not sad. Today I am a proud mama of kids making their way through the world. I am a relieved mama of kids who needed a break from me just at much as I needed it from them. I am a self aware mama who knows herself and understands that the absence of sadness from this day has nothing to do with my level of love, devotion and obsession I feel for my kids.
Today I am not sad…because I’m so many other really good things 🙂
