Hey there…
We haven’t talked in so long. I think I may have been avoiding you and for that, I’m really sorry.
I’ve been wanting to touch base and follow up on a few things. I can’t lie, I’m feeling a bit self conscious and embarrassed…we had some grand plans didn’t we? We “knew” what our path was and we were determined to follow it. I’ve learned in the last few years that life, real ACTUAL life, doesn’t give a shit about our plans. Or what we thought or hoped for. It’s been a tough lesson to learn.
You were always so sure of things, always prepared. You had your goals and objectives set and knew that meeting them would be paramount to all else. And I hate to be the one to tell you, I’ve fallen short.
I will be honest, I tried really hard. Really really hard. I kept our carefully laid plans in mind daily, I used all my power to make this path go in the direction we wanted, but it’s gotten away from me. I’ve made some serious mistakes and I’ve even turned around to go the other direction. I’ve let our good intentions slide and the guilt is real.
I’ve said and done and thought things we never dreamed of. Things we would have judged so harshly…but we didn’t know! We had no clue what this life actually is, we had not the slightest inkling what its like to have these babies, keep them alive, mold them into decent people, help them thrive. And not lose ourselves in the process.
Did you know that from 3pm to 6pm on every weekday you want to sell your kids to the circus? Did you know you that it is possible to cut a piece of toast incorrectly and because of that witness an epic tantrum? Did you know that a person half your size with less than 5 years in this planet can exhaust you to the point of tears? Did you know you could go to bed at the end of a day of parenting and feel like you didn’t do a single thing right?
There are so many other things too…we were so naive, we simply “thought”, we didn’t know. Full confession: it’s so much damn harder than we ever imagined. So much.
HOWEVER…
You should see these two kids! They are amazing humans! They are funny and smart and challenging and they have exceeded our wildest dreams…even while rallying against every single thing we thought we knew.
They are becoming people who are choosing their own way in the world, while being mindful of others. They are becoming people who have their own minds and make their own choices and while these sorts of people are the hardest to raise? I know it will be well worth it in the end.
Remember when we thought raising a girl was going to be like having a best friend, soul mate and mini-me at all times? When we KNEW we were going to have patience and wisdom for her at all times? Well, it’s kinda not like that at all.
She is like having a mirror in my face all the time. A mirror that argues and whines and makes demands in a way that is totally familiar and also completely exhausting. She’s got our dramatic nature and need for attention, coupled with a relentless ability to argue her point. She might actually be a trial attorney as we speak, not totally sure.
But she is, at the very same time, endlessly kind and caring. She wants to be a doctor, teacher and Mom when she grows up; she wants to be a helper. She is funny and quick witted with an innate sense of humor and an admirable grasp of sarcasm. She’s the mama’s girl we didn’t know we wanted.
And him?! Oh man, did we get a whirlwind of a kid with that one. He came into this world with a big ‘ole personality; a crazy mix of stubborn determination and off the wall antics. He doesn’t really sleep, no matter what we thought we knew about how kids should sleep, and he delights in mercilessly antagonizing his sister with zero regard for just how much it infuriates me. He’s got a temper and a right hook that don’t go well together.
But you will not find a sweeter soul on the planet. He is a cuddler and a lover and has a smile that stops people in their tracks. He has a calmness about him that reminds me of Papa and a streak of tenacity that is Dad all day long. He kind of sparkles…and I didn’t know humans could do that! He’s flipping everything we thought we knew about raising a boy on it’s head. And I’m totally loving it.
Maybe that path we planned wasn’t followed closely, but we’ve forged a new one. Maybe the goals haven’t been met, but they’re re-worked daily and achieved little by little. The reality is far different than what we thought we knew but I am also so different than I thought I’d be. I wake up each morning with hugs and kisses and two tiny humans loving the whole me.
So, I guess I want you to know that we’re doing ok. You would be shocked at the way it all turned out, I know you had very fixed ideas on this whole parenting thing, but I promise, everything is good 🙂 I don’t begrudge you your idealism all those years ago. You were in a place where so many others have been before; aware of the life, unaware of the reality. But I think you’d be proud of us, of where we’ve landed, of how well we’ve handled the many ups and downs.
I think we used to throw around the word “amazing”. I will be an AMAZING mom. We will do AMAZING things. My kids will have an AMAZING life. But here’s the thing, amazing is so overrated. Striving for amazing gets you nowhere but stressed and tightly wound. Amazing isn’t reality. Reality is spending the days, the really hard and the really good and the really ugly and the really beautiful days, simply making the choice to just be a good mom. To smile when it’s hard to smile, to hug when you want to run, to listen when all you want is quiet and to know when you need to take a break.
But you know what is amazing about this mom thing? Amazing is knowing when to give yourself a bit of grace when it feels impossible, to forgive yourself for the ugly, to try again when you’re running out of steam. Amazing is the ability for you to be their whole world even when you’re feeling so terribly small. Bet you didn’t realize amazing could be that too.
Here’s the thing, we wanted to raise good people and be a good mom right? Well, I’m happy to report that those goals are being met. Over and over and over in every which way we never planned for.
Love always,
The Mom You Became
